H to the ome to the S to the tudy Update

I emailed our social worker last week. I sent in Martin's physical and I wanted to make sure she had received it (a.k.a. HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?) and she said she is finalizing everything and will send our homestudy to us to look over soon. If we approve it, she'll release the hard copy.

Oh good news, how I love getting you.

Yesterday we were singing in church. They are really in to making sure the service flows well. They do announcements first (usually on video by a couple in the church) then scripture reading, music, followed by preaching, praying and the service closes with more music. I work well with flow. Anyway, we're singing the last song yesterday and it was Mighty to Save in a way I've never heard it before. Singing something I know in a different way always makes me focus on the words. So they are singing "He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save. . . " and God just said to me, "Why do you doubt all I do? See? I can move mountains. I rose and conquered the grave. Do you think your tiny situations are anything for me? You need to shut up [yes, God said shut up] and trust me." I know all these things but to actually have a confirmation, a kick in the pants if you will, was just what I needed. It was cool to talk to Martin on the way home and for him to say he was being told the same thing.

None of this is about me or Martin or having children or getting them from a particular place. It's all for Him. All for His glory. All for His fame. Would my life be easier if I threw in the towel and we lived happily ever after without kids? Maybe. I've thought about that a lot lately, trust me. But I remember after Martin's accident years ago and I was at Wal-Mart and saw someone from church. They were telling me how sorry they were that all of this happened to us. And I remember saying, "I am so thankful all of this happened. It's been hard and terrible and I've failed a million times in this trial but I wouldn't change it for the world." And she looked at me like I was crazy. Because I am. But it's in the trials that God is able to show off. Not many will be able to see it and I fail time and time again in those trials but guess what comes out of trials? Gold people. Pure gold.

It's gonna be worth it - not having the kids, but going through all of this. For His fame.

2012

Reality is setting in for this girl. The reality that waiting is like hearing a slow drip somewhere in your walls that you can't do anything about unless you tear open your walls and start searching. Sometimes it's just better to wait and see if you see a sign of where the problem is. But it doesn't mean you don't go crazy waiting!

I know that this part of waiting (homestudy) is NOTHING compared to the wait after we've met our kids and before we pick them up for home.

In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and praying about if this is what we're supposed to do. Not adoption. I feel confident in that. But how and where we're adopting.

Doubt is a funny thing. It can consume you or you can take hold of it, take it to the Father and he can either reassure you of something or change your way completely. So that's what I'm doing. As a woman, I feel I have to do this more so than Martin. It's not that he isn't part of the process, it just that I probably think about a million times more on something than he does. Oh to be a man sometimes *sigh*

One friend told me last week that adoption is WAY harder than being pregnant. She has done both and I should trust her but I like to think that my mood swings and emotional eating would be far worse if I had a human living and growing inside of me. Then there's the c-section horror stories (I'm talking to you Jayme and April G!). I'm just going to think that this is the better route for me. Of course God never promised anything easy, just that I won't be alone.

Happy New Year.