Gulp.

So yeah. Here's that adoption blog that I started a few years ago and purposed in my heart to write and be faithful and tell of God's faithfulness in our journey to a weird, nontraditional parenthood.

Here it is, 2014 and I've been around the world and back (if you count living in NYC for a year and a half "around the world"). We sold half of our possessions and stopped the adoption process because of a job transfer. We then lived an amazing 18 months in a city and area like no other. We then left it all, including the corporate ladder that we were climbing, to come back to the place we thought wasn't for us. We came back trying not to look back at what we left.

We came back changed. We felt confirmation that we were to be parents. God allowed two amazing jobs to open up for Martin and I and we didn't walk back, we RAN. We JUMPED. We spent all our MONEY. And something happened in the midst of all of this. We decided to pursue foster care. Jesus, take the wheel! We are beside ourselves scared. Like pee in our pants scared. I've always told people that we were called to adoption and international adoption at that. But God revealed to Martin and I that we were called to follow him. It didn't matter what that looked like as long as we were in obedience to him. We desire children. But why international? Yes there is a HUGE need. Millions of children are living in institutions that need parents. But for us, (and listen this is me being ugly and transparent) we were in control of international adoption. We would go over and get our baby or child. We were bringing them back here to the US and there wasn't anybody who would take them away. There would be no grandma who felt like their blood needed to be kept in the family and take our baby away. There would be no judge who thought that their uncle who worked 70 hours a week would be better for this child than us. We would get a child and they would be ours. We'd have to pay up to $30,000 for that child but it would be ours. And although I knew in my heart that this wasn't reality, it was my god that I was clinging to. Security in our American lives is a human right so we think. But it's not. Security is only a mirage. And as Martin and I talked about it, we felt foster to adopt was the way we would go. And people think we're crazy. But guess what? We are. Um, hello! We sold half our possessions and spent all of our savings to move two hours north to a different world for 18 months only to move back to the same place we were. That my friends is crazy.

And crazy is how I prefer to live. Crazy is how I learn. God knows that and he obviously takes joy in that. And as we are going through this journey of fostering, and I'm hearing the foster child horror stories that people love to give , I just smile and say, "Since when did God call us to easy?" We build these padded walls around our hearts and our bank accounts and our family. And we say, "Okay God! I'm ready to serve you!"

We forget that this is all his story, not ours. We're just minor characters in an Awesome God's play. He and his Son and Spirit are the leads. How can we think we are any more significant? Yet on the other side of the coin, how can we imagine that a God so big, wants anything to do with us? Yet he does. He is our biggest supporter. Our biggest encourager. Our biggest advocate. It always comes back to him doesn't it? Shouldn't it?

I'm getting back into this writing thing. I've worn a different hat the last couple of years that didn't really have room for my writing brain. Now, I've worked, learned, and am ready to type my fingers on this keyboard and blog. More on our foster process soon. I've got to go now because our social worker told me a living room full of boxes won't pass a home inspection.

An Embarassingly Late Update

Well, it's been months hasn't it?

I've taken a bit of a break from blogging.  Since we were notified of our move, I've avoided my blog world.  It's weird because I feel like writing is my therapy but with life so upside down and turned around, my words are jumbled up inside of me and I have little hope that putting them out there will do any good. 

We got our final homestudy for our adoption back in May.  We went to Scotland halfway through May for our tenth wedding anniversary and when we returned home, I found out my job had found a replacement for me.  I trained her the next week then went down to the customer service center where I am working until we leave.  I know this transition is a gift.  My job with the online school was very stressful and moving down to customer service is like a vacation.  It's six girls in a room opening mail and scanning checks into the computer; taking orders over the phone and chatting about boyfriends, husbands, food, fashion, Downton Abbey and things of God.  All while getting paid my salary as an online school administrator.  That friends, is mercy in the midst of change. 

Martin will be moving into a corporate rental in the next few weeks.  He can live there for 60 days then we have to move.  During those 60 days we have to sell half our furniture, find a renter, find an apartment to rent, finish tiling and installing new toilets and vanities in the bathroom and move.  Thankfully we found out our moving company will be coming in and packing our things for us, moving them and unpacking everything.  What a blessing!

What about adoption?  Since we're moving before we turned in our paperwork to Ethiopia, we have to have the homestudy revised when we settle in the apartment.  Moving from a four bedroom house to a two bedroom apartment means we can't ask for a sibling group of more than two.  Martin and I decided to not make any new decisions until we get settled. 

I'm turning 35 in a few weeks.  I know it's silly but I had these goals in place.  When I got married at 25 we were on the five year plan with kids.  When 30 came and went I knew we would have to look at other options.  I made 35 my new goal for children.  I didn't really share it with anyone.  I believe goals are important in life but I also have to remind myself that my goals are not promises from God. I know this is not my life.  I was bought with a price.  I am not here for me.  I am here for my Maker.  All I've really wanted to be was a wife and mom.  God has given me a great privilege to be a wife to an amazing man.  I am so blessed.  And if he blesses us with children may I be as thankful.  But if not, may I always be satisfied in my Savior. 

I saw this last week,

Dear God, 

I tried my best, but if today

I lose my hope

please tell me that your plans 

are better than my dreams.  

Guess What?

Guess what? We're still waiting on our homestudy. We're supposed to get it this week. I'm totally okay with it. Saw a great quote on the ol' Twitter by Tozer (no, not FROM Tozer, he's in Glory) that BooMama (a.k.a. Sophie) put up.

God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which he must work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves.

Mmmm. Good stuff.

H to the ome to the S to the tudy Update

I emailed our social worker last week. I sent in Martin's physical and I wanted to make sure she had received it (a.k.a. HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?) and she said she is finalizing everything and will send our homestudy to us to look over soon. If we approve it, she'll release the hard copy.

Oh good news, how I love getting you.

Yesterday we were singing in church. They are really in to making sure the service flows well. They do announcements first (usually on video by a couple in the church) then scripture reading, music, followed by preaching, praying and the service closes with more music. I work well with flow. Anyway, we're singing the last song yesterday and it was Mighty to Save in a way I've never heard it before. Singing something I know in a different way always makes me focus on the words. So they are singing "He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save. . . " and God just said to me, "Why do you doubt all I do? See? I can move mountains. I rose and conquered the grave. Do you think your tiny situations are anything for me? You need to shut up [yes, God said shut up] and trust me." I know all these things but to actually have a confirmation, a kick in the pants if you will, was just what I needed. It was cool to talk to Martin on the way home and for him to say he was being told the same thing.

None of this is about me or Martin or having children or getting them from a particular place. It's all for Him. All for His glory. All for His fame. Would my life be easier if I threw in the towel and we lived happily ever after without kids? Maybe. I've thought about that a lot lately, trust me. But I remember after Martin's accident years ago and I was at Wal-Mart and saw someone from church. They were telling me how sorry they were that all of this happened to us. And I remember saying, "I am so thankful all of this happened. It's been hard and terrible and I've failed a million times in this trial but I wouldn't change it for the world." And she looked at me like I was crazy. Because I am. But it's in the trials that God is able to show off. Not many will be able to see it and I fail time and time again in those trials but guess what comes out of trials? Gold people. Pure gold.

It's gonna be worth it - not having the kids, but going through all of this. For His fame.

2012

Reality is setting in for this girl. The reality that waiting is like hearing a slow drip somewhere in your walls that you can't do anything about unless you tear open your walls and start searching. Sometimes it's just better to wait and see if you see a sign of where the problem is. But it doesn't mean you don't go crazy waiting!

I know that this part of waiting (homestudy) is NOTHING compared to the wait after we've met our kids and before we pick them up for home.

In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and praying about if this is what we're supposed to do. Not adoption. I feel confident in that. But how and where we're adopting.

Doubt is a funny thing. It can consume you or you can take hold of it, take it to the Father and he can either reassure you of something or change your way completely. So that's what I'm doing. As a woman, I feel I have to do this more so than Martin. It's not that he isn't part of the process, it just that I probably think about a million times more on something than he does. Oh to be a man sometimes *sigh*

One friend told me last week that adoption is WAY harder than being pregnant. She has done both and I should trust her but I like to think that my mood swings and emotional eating would be far worse if I had a human living and growing inside of me. Then there's the c-section horror stories (I'm talking to you Jayme and April G!). I'm just going to think that this is the better route for me. Of course God never promised anything easy, just that I won't be alone.

Happy New Year.

Still Waiting

We're still waiting on our homestudy to be finished. Which means we're just hanging out, enjoying Christmas and trusting that God is allowing it for whatever reason he wants.

Merry Christmas if I don't blog on here until then!

Words of Another

I've had quite the comments this week from different people about our adoption process. Some good. Some not so good. I read a girl's blog post yesterday. I agree with about 90% (of what I know so far). Cried through the whole thing. It was like fresh water on a dry soul.

The part I don't agree with? Where she says that adopted children weren't preordained before the beginning of time to be our children. Yes, they were. God didn't look at the sin Adam committed and rush around to go to "plan b" he knew that fruit would be taken and eaten. He knew death would happen. He knew we would all be born deserving to die. Yet, for his glory (something none of us can comprehend) he allowed it anyway. All to show a beautiful story of redemption from a God who loves himself so much. And because he loves himself, he loves us and gave us a way to him through Jesus. So yeah, these children were designed to be mine. Adam didn't mess up the fact that my kid's birth parents aren't going to be able to care for them. It's a hard pill to swallow and makes the gospel and God even more scandalous in our tiny little pee brains. But thanks be to God for his salvation and his Helper to bring things to light cause if it wasn't for that, it looks like we believe in something crazy (and to the world, we do).

You can read it here.

Fingerprinting - Check.

Here we are outside the fingerprinting shop? store? facility?

Okay, welp the fingerprinting for the adoption is D.U.N. done.

It went off without a hitch. Okay, I'm lying. We drove separately to the fingerprinting place so we could both go straight to work afterwards. We were the dude's first clients? patients? customers? He asked for our paperwork and I gave him our confirmation papers I printed off the internet when I scheduled and paid for them. Those were not the papers that he wanted. FAIL.

He was very gracious but told us we had to have the papers that the agency gave us. No problem, they are probably sitting on my dining room table in the pile of paperwork, thirty minutes away.

I must say that Martin was VERY merciful. I probably would have steamed the whole way home if it had been his fault. It was a great lesson in mercy. We had a nice drive home then back again. We even ran over a garbage can and carried it down the road with us for a bit. But that's what you do when you have a Jeep Wrangler apparently.

Once we got back, our fingerprinting experience took three minutes each. Part of me wishes he would have hummed and hawed over us to make it seem worthwhile but Martin had a conference call at 10 AM and we walked out at 9:55 AM.

God is good. And funny. And merciful. And never boring.

It is Finished!

I feel really weird writing the last words of Jesus before he died on the cross but my statement is true.

Our homestudy is finished. Or maybe I should say that our homestudy meetings are finished. We met with Missy three times in the past month and she, in fact did ask us everything but our underwear size but she has such a sweet way of doing it!

We both have to get our FBI fingerprinting done (October 25), our physicals done (mine October 10 and Martin's November 1) and send her our financial records. I completed those yesterday so we'll say they are 99.6% finished. The 0.4% is me actually writing out Missy's name on an envelope and putting them in the outgoing mail at work (which I'll do tomorrow).

Missy told us that this was the hardest part of the adoption. It feels weird to be finished with the hardest part. Honestly, it wasn't that hard. But the anticipation of it was.

OR maybe I'm looking at it like those silly ladies who go through terrible labor (is there good labor, Sarah? Really?) and say it really wasn't that bad. I'm not sure.

What's our next steps you ask? Well, I'll give you a run down (as I know it - I find out new details all the time).

1. Turn in (with $1,000 0r so) our I600A to the State Department. This tells them that we are getting ready to send in our paperwork to the Ethiopian government.
2. Turn in our agency paperwork and the $3,000 fee. We waited until after our homestudy to send this fun stuff in.
   
3. Turn in our dossier to Ethiopia (with about $10,000). This can't happen until our fingerprints are cleared and our I600A has been processed through the State Department (get on that Hilliary!).
4. WE WAIT.......................................................
5. (While we're waiting patiently, the dossier-which is basically a big packet of paperwork, has to be translated into Amharic then it is processed and once approved, given to the orphanage our agency works with.)
6. They will then find a match for what we're looking for (a baby, 0-2 yrs and siblings up to 4 years old).
   
7. Once we're matched we will go to our doctor with the medical reports and see if the match is what we requested. If everything looks okay, we'll look at the pictures of our kids. (if not, we're allowed to send back the match and ask for another - but not without crazy prayer).
8. Then we wait for a court date.
9. Once our court date is appointed Martin and I will fly to Ethiopia to meet our kiddos and go to court.
   
10. If we pass, we'll go back in a few months to pick them up. If we don't pass, we wait for them to get the correct paperwork and pray we pass the next time (but we don't have to go back for that one).
11. Get approval to pick them up!

It looks like a lot but so much of it is out of our hands. Once we are finished with the paperwork, it's up to the government and orphanage to do the rest.

I have to admit. I'm in a different state of mind this week. I'm sure it will subside a bit but I'm in expectant mode. I've even thought Is it too early to get a crib and a toddler bed or two? Yes, yes it is.

I finally feel like we're getting somewhere. And what a great feeling that is. God is good.

Mean Friends and Homestudy Papers

Welp, my homestudy paperwork is finished. We received it and I quickly filled out everything I needed to and put it in the mail the next day.

LIES!

I did work on it and I did put it in the mail but there was about oh, let's say a month in between the two. Shame on me!

Here's the skinny. I received the papers in the mail mid-July and I got to working on them. When I say you have to write down everything but your underwear size I'm not kidding except you do have to put your weight so technically they could figure out your underwear size. And that weight thing, boy did I want to put down 135 lbs. I did not. I almost put down "135 lbs (in a year, I promise)" but I felt this was not the time to be funny. That will come soon, I'm sure (the weight loss and the time for me to be funny).

I filled out most of the papers and then I made a list of things I needed to look for. They were simple things like passport numbers, marriage license number, drivers licenses numbers, siblings addresses, list of our assets and liabilities. You know, things that if I had a live-in personal assistant I could make her (or him) do for me **someday, sigh** Sorry, I got lost in dreamland for a minute.

I then proceeded to place my list and unfinished paperwork on the end of our new sectional couch, down where only our feet usually go (the place down near the T.V.) (and no those are not my legs but the legs of Martin) (cute pillows right? Got them at Pier One but the only bad thing about them is they are not snuggle worthy so I need to get a few more, you know the kind you can drool on when sleeping and just throw in the wash before anyone sees) (pillows are so expensive these days).


A week went by and the papers eventually were moved from a visual site to a non-visual site (under the pillow). Then another week went by and I remembered that I needed to finish the paperwork but I was lazy. When I was asked by Mrs. Russo who came over for dinner last week, I gave some excuses and I got no sympathy. There was lots of love (always lots of love) but no, "Oh I know how busy you must be. You poor thing. I think your husband should get you a personal assistant" talk. It was hard love, more like, "WE NEED TO GET THOSE BABIES HOME, THIS IS NOT A GAME! GO! GO! GO! GO!"

Then Sunday came. And I walk into church and handed Kellyanne her Pampered Chef order and instead of oohing and ahhing over the stuff she got she asked why I had not gotten my paperwork in. How did she know? I was thinking (stupid Facebook). I mean, I keep my sin of laziness way under wraps usually. I tried to give some good excuse but it didn't work and she yelled, yes yelled at me. She then proceeded to announce to her Sunday school class that I needed prayer for my laziness. She asked if they would pray for me to get the paperwork finished so that my children could come home. And I thought, man, I gotta get some friends who don't love me that much and will only tell me how great I look and that I have a super hard life here in America where I have everything I need at my fingertips.

By Tuesday night, I had the paperwork finished and took it to work with me, printed some papers off and put it in the mail.

The next morning I woke up and there was a sense of relief and excitement. And the Holy Spirit said to me, This is what obedience feels like. And I smiled and asked Him not to let me forget how good it truly is.

Paper Workin'

Monday night's here at our house have become adoption paperwork night. I've gotten to the point where I have a ton of half filled out papers and I need to call the social worker so we can get the homestudy started. I wasn't expecting it to begin so soon but it is.

Both of our passports expired last year and we need to get them renewed. Two checks for $110 and two mug shots later, the envelopes are filled out and ready to go.

An email to our potential homestudy lady has been sent and this wraps up our adoption paperwork night.

Sorry for the boring post but this stuff is kinda boring. Deal.

AND We're Back.

I've been quiet on both blogs. I've started school and I'm trying to find a balance between home, work, school, people, and adoption paperwork. That's right! We've started back on the paperwork. Okay, let me rephrase that. We've decided to start back but I can't get the packet off the bookshelf and over to the table to start. I say I'm too busy and forget but honestly, I had a super hard time with it before and I'm scared.

Martin and I went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina a couple of weeks ago and we were able to talk about adoption without interruption. We started at the beginning. Do we want to adopt or do fertility? Adopt. Do we want to do foreign or domestic? Foreign. What countries do we want to look at? 1. South Korea 2. Thailand 3. Ethiopia. We then went through each country and guess what? We came back to Ethiopia. I wish we had this great revelation. That in a dream God told us what country to adopt from. But that's not how it worked and honestly, God chooses to work like that with others more than me but he also knows I'd probably worship the way he showed me instead of worshipping him.

In these few months of quiet (they really were quiet, it was great), I've thought a lot about adoption and why I have a desire to adopt and what that looks like. I think I've said it before, there is a fine line between wanting to change the world and wanting to be a mom. Maybe I feel this because I seem to be choosing adoption because I haven't been able to get pregnant. I'm not sure. But Martin and I do want to live a radical life for Christ and we think this is the way he's called us. But I also just want to be a mom and Martin wants to be a dad.

Hopefully when I write again it will be to say that our paperwork and agency fee is in the mail. But if it's not, don't get your panties in a wad. I'll get to it.

Resting

Found out that the mother of the baby we asked for prayer for in the previous post wants to keep the baby. And the weirdest thing is, I'm okay with that. My heart is still. I have no anxiety. I am not sad or relieved or anything. Funny how emotions can drive you one month and then the next they take a back seat to reality. I guess Jeremiah wasn't kidding when he called our hearts deceitfully wicked.

So what now? It's funny. I was thinking yesterday how January through March I was a mess. I was crying over adoption papers. Crying over my job. Crying over my church. Crying over e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. [Martin accrued many crowns to lay at our sweet Savior's feet this first quarter of 2011].

And the thing is, nothing has changed much. My job is going a bit better. We've decided to stop the adoption process for now. I've decided to go back to school and feed my new love of computers. But you would think that would make me more crazy. But it hasn't. And frankly, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I learned much. I mean MUCH through January, February, and March but nothing profound that I can put my finger on.

Something occurred to me. God doesn't have to teach me anything. He doesn't have to do anything. I get so caught up on Him revolving around ME, I forget it's the other way around. Oh, so you want to throw a "maybe baby" our way? Okay! Why? Who knows. But I don't have to know. He doesn't owe me anything. Yet, I owe him everything. I'm going to enjoy this time of rest (in my heart at least).

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Far surpassing all the rest

It's an ocean full of blessing

In the midst of every test

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Mighty Savior, precious Friend

You will bring us home to glory

Where Your love will never end

Pray With Us?

Oh that God, He's a funny One. A few days after Martin and I saw a very clear stop sign from God when it came to adopting in Ethiopia, we were thrown a curve ball.

A woman at work approached me last Tuesday and asked if we would be interested in adopting a baby of a family member. It's a complicated situation and honestly, the probability of us actually being able to go through with this is slim (in human terms), we told her yes, we were interested.

The great thing is we were able to tell our family and small group about it and there are so many people praying for us, the family, and this little girl who is due to pop in this world in a little more than two months! I have my moments of panic. We need to do our home study. Should I call an adoption lawyer now? What about my job? But I quickly recover and know this is so out of my hands that those are just tiny details. Today, I am okay if we aren't considered to be parents to this girl and if anything I can pray for her as she grows, wherever she is. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. But today, as in all days, I know God is allowing this and only has our good in mind and ultimately His glory.

So we wait and rest in our God, who is ever faithful and constant.

Stopping.

After much prayer Martin and I have decided to stop our adoption process for the moment. I have no idea how long but we both know this is what we are supposed to do. We are still going to practice living on a tight budget, save money, pay off bills we've accumulated just like we have been but we're not proceeding with the adoption.

Again, I have no idea how long this is going to be. I do know we are doing the right thing. I'm excited to see God work in our hearts and in ways around us. He's bigger than us and really loves showing off and I'm excited that we're a part of it.

But I do ask that you pray for the children in Ethiopia. This cut in adoption doesn't mean there are less children. And that has made me look outside myself more in these few weeks and not pray for our children but for His children.

The Yo-Yo Effect

So this is it. We aren't going to spared are we? We too have to go through ups and downs of adoption. It's not smooth sailing. It's not easy. It's not cheap. It's not predictable.

I don't know why I would've thought any differently. Maybe because I've been on such an emotional roller coaster these past few months that I thought I was safe from something outside of myself affecting our adoption.

We read an article on Saturday evening that said Ethiopia is tightening up adoptions by 90%. They say it's to make sure children are not being stolen and sold. They say it's for the children. It happened in Guatemala. People were stealing babies and selling them because there was such a demand for babies and Guatemala was cheap and fast. So they shut it down there. Now it seems they will be doing the same in Ethiopia. They say they don't know how long. We haven't heard anything from our agency officially. Wouldn't it be great if it was a fluke? If it only lasted a month?

I have a really bad habit of over thinking everything. I'm pretty sure that's all part of the curse. In the last 48 hours I have questioned so much.

Is the reason why I am having such a hard time filling out paperwork because this isn't what we're supposed to do? Where is that fine line of wanting to just be parents and helping in the bigger picture of adopting those who are fatherless? Is there a safer way? Should we just go and try fertility treatments? Can I handle all of this and still be able to work effectively in my job? Maybe I should just throw in the towel.

But I know that it is not my job to question. It's not my job to wonder. It's not my job to doubt. It is my job to obey and seek first the kingdom of God. Cause Jesus says that tomorrow will take care of itself. But right now, I'm just gonna sit up in my Father's lap and cry a little cause I'm scared.

An Update

I wish I had cool news that gave you chills when you read this post but alas, I do not.

We are slowly going through the sea of paperwork from the agency. I get a bit overwhelmed but Martin says if we work on two pages a night we won't get overwhelmed. Martin's gets home late some nights so we're not working every night. We have to make an appointment with the Pediatrician. He has offered to go over our medical list. We have to say whether we will consider or not consider certain defects concerning our children. I'm very thankful for this doctor who has offered his services for free. And he is an unemotional person that can explain things to us and help us be realistic. He has also adopted internationally and we don't have to find a pediatrician - one less thing on our list!

It looks like after we get all of our paperwork finished for the agency and pay their $3,000 fee we will call the social worker and start the home study. We're guessing the home study fee will be around $1,500. During the home study we will start applying for grants and also apply for help from Lifesong for Orphans. Because we're asking for a sibling group we will be qualified for more grants than some BUT that means more paperwork.

So there's the update. I know there is an end to all of this and it will be worth it. I wish I could say that I smile every moment I fill out my name, address, and so on but it's not always like that. But then again. That's life right? And we keep on going, knowing that we are a part of a bigger plan.

Application Sent:::Application Accepted

Well, I believe we can officially say that we are in the process of adoption! We are no longer thinking about it we are IN it!

It's a great feeling. A few weeks ago we spent some time filling out the paperwork and praying over it our packet. God provided us with the application fee ($300) and we sent it off.

Last night we got a UPS envelope at our door with a DVD, notebook, paperwork and a bill for $3,000. The bill is for the agency fee. We are going to be paying that and filling out the new paperwork (I knew the three page application was too good to be true!) the first of the year then I believe it's time for the home study! That's the funny thing about using small agencies, you guess a lot.

Why Africa?

Our choice in where we are adopting from was surprising to most. I thought I'd give a little background into the how and the why we chose Africa.

I need to say that I like being weird (and by that I mean different) on my terms. I like to stand out if it's something I can control. And adopting, especially outside your race is weird to some. A middle-class white couple adopting from Africa is not normal to many. I have learned though that Jesus broke down the walls of race. He brought Jews (God's chosen) and Gentiles (everybody else) together through dying on a big ugly cross. We have tried to put those walls up again, adding more walls to more races. And I'm pretty sure just like my nephew Gavin loves knocking down things he builds, God loves knocking down walls we put up.

When we were choosing a country we thought somewhere in Asia was where we would focus. We thought it would be easier for our families to adjust. But I guess that was just me trying to control my weirdness. Months ago, I was talking to my friend Kami and I was saying that I was feeling a pull towards Africa. Martin really wasn't into it when I had mentioned it to him and if I may just jump on my soapbox for a moment - please don't manipulate your husbands - especially when it comes to children. We're not talking about a new outfit (although it's not right to manipulate with that either but roll with me here). We're talking about a life. :::Off soapbox and moving on::: I told Kami that I didn't want to walk down the road to Africa. But she said something that I didn't want to hear. She said, Well, maybe God wants to not only teach you but others through the adoption of your children. I knew he would teach others along with us about adoption but to teach about breaking down racial walls was something I wanted to do on my terms.

I have been praying about it since that summer day in her media room. I haven't been praying the prayers of Hannah, where I was making deals with God in exchange for children. No, I was just praying that God would speak to Martin and I and show us who our children should be and where they should come from. And that he would show off. I just love it when God shows off. Life is so much better that way.

When we went to the adoption seminar in Hershey, the theme throughout the conference that Martin and I kept hearing was walk out on faith. We were also shown the need for adoption in Africa. It is so vast. And this is how God changed a southern girl and her northern husband's hearts. It wasn't some big sign in the sky. We didn't have someone walk up to us and tell us they had a message from God. It was a simple theme at a conference and the reminder it's not about us controlling our weirdness, it's all about God showing off.

And we're really okay with that.

Us and Our Tea Cups

I listened to a sermon recently from my dad. He was talking about how God has called us to something that we cannot accomplish. He has called us to live outside ourselves. He has called us to help the hurting and not just help them physically but to help them by sharing God's great Truth through his Son. If you are a follower of Christ then you have been called to this. Our calls may look different but it's a call from God to every believer. And we cannot accomplish this. It's impossible to reach all of the people in the world spiritually and physically. Dad gave a great visual and I've changed it a bit so we can all relate to it.

God has given us tea cups. He's entrusted us with these tea cups and told us to start emptying the oceans. But God, what difference will my tiny tea cup make? It doesn't matter. He's demanded us to do it. So we do it. We obey.

Our call, Martin and mine, is to adopt. That's what we are working on with our tea cup. God has changed our hearts from what we have wanted to what HE has wanted. It's terrifying and so much fun all at the same time. Where we always saw a blended family of those coming from my belly and those coming from other parts of the world - He has changed (so far) to those from other parts of the world.

This past weekend we went to another adoption seminar. We learned much. God also prompted both Martin and I to make a decision on an agency and on where we are going to adopt. And Saturday night when we got home we talked it over and cried and decided.

We are using the smaller agency, located in Washington State. And for our first adoption we are putting in for siblings or multiples under the age of four in - Africa.

So, here we are at the shore - with our tea cups, emptying out the ocean. It seems silly but it's what we've all been called to do. And I'll gladly do it if it's for my Father. He's so faithful.