Paper Workin'

Monday night's here at our house have become adoption paperwork night. I've gotten to the point where I have a ton of half filled out papers and I need to call the social worker so we can get the homestudy started. I wasn't expecting it to begin so soon but it is.

Both of our passports expired last year and we need to get them renewed. Two checks for $110 and two mug shots later, the envelopes are filled out and ready to go.

An email to our potential homestudy lady has been sent and this wraps up our adoption paperwork night.

Sorry for the boring post but this stuff is kinda boring. Deal.

AND We're Back.

I've been quiet on both blogs. I've started school and I'm trying to find a balance between home, work, school, people, and adoption paperwork. That's right! We've started back on the paperwork. Okay, let me rephrase that. We've decided to start back but I can't get the packet off the bookshelf and over to the table to start. I say I'm too busy and forget but honestly, I had a super hard time with it before and I'm scared.

Martin and I went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina a couple of weeks ago and we were able to talk about adoption without interruption. We started at the beginning. Do we want to adopt or do fertility? Adopt. Do we want to do foreign or domestic? Foreign. What countries do we want to look at? 1. South Korea 2. Thailand 3. Ethiopia. We then went through each country and guess what? We came back to Ethiopia. I wish we had this great revelation. That in a dream God told us what country to adopt from. But that's not how it worked and honestly, God chooses to work like that with others more than me but he also knows I'd probably worship the way he showed me instead of worshipping him.

In these few months of quiet (they really were quiet, it was great), I've thought a lot about adoption and why I have a desire to adopt and what that looks like. I think I've said it before, there is a fine line between wanting to change the world and wanting to be a mom. Maybe I feel this because I seem to be choosing adoption because I haven't been able to get pregnant. I'm not sure. But Martin and I do want to live a radical life for Christ and we think this is the way he's called us. But I also just want to be a mom and Martin wants to be a dad.

Hopefully when I write again it will be to say that our paperwork and agency fee is in the mail. But if it's not, don't get your panties in a wad. I'll get to it.

Resting

Found out that the mother of the baby we asked for prayer for in the previous post wants to keep the baby. And the weirdest thing is, I'm okay with that. My heart is still. I have no anxiety. I am not sad or relieved or anything. Funny how emotions can drive you one month and then the next they take a back seat to reality. I guess Jeremiah wasn't kidding when he called our hearts deceitfully wicked.

So what now? It's funny. I was thinking yesterday how January through March I was a mess. I was crying over adoption papers. Crying over my job. Crying over my church. Crying over e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. [Martin accrued many crowns to lay at our sweet Savior's feet this first quarter of 2011].

And the thing is, nothing has changed much. My job is going a bit better. We've decided to stop the adoption process for now. I've decided to go back to school and feed my new love of computers. But you would think that would make me more crazy. But it hasn't. And frankly, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I learned much. I mean MUCH through January, February, and March but nothing profound that I can put my finger on.

Something occurred to me. God doesn't have to teach me anything. He doesn't have to do anything. I get so caught up on Him revolving around ME, I forget it's the other way around. Oh, so you want to throw a "maybe baby" our way? Okay! Why? Who knows. But I don't have to know. He doesn't owe me anything. Yet, I owe him everything. I'm going to enjoy this time of rest (in my heart at least).

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Far surpassing all the rest

It's an ocean full of blessing

In the midst of every test

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Mighty Savior, precious Friend

You will bring us home to glory

Where Your love will never end

Pray With Us?

Oh that God, He's a funny One. A few days after Martin and I saw a very clear stop sign from God when it came to adopting in Ethiopia, we were thrown a curve ball.

A woman at work approached me last Tuesday and asked if we would be interested in adopting a baby of a family member. It's a complicated situation and honestly, the probability of us actually being able to go through with this is slim (in human terms), we told her yes, we were interested.

The great thing is we were able to tell our family and small group about it and there are so many people praying for us, the family, and this little girl who is due to pop in this world in a little more than two months! I have my moments of panic. We need to do our home study. Should I call an adoption lawyer now? What about my job? But I quickly recover and know this is so out of my hands that those are just tiny details. Today, I am okay if we aren't considered to be parents to this girl and if anything I can pray for her as she grows, wherever she is. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. But today, as in all days, I know God is allowing this and only has our good in mind and ultimately His glory.

So we wait and rest in our God, who is ever faithful and constant.

Stopping.

After much prayer Martin and I have decided to stop our adoption process for the moment. I have no idea how long but we both know this is what we are supposed to do. We are still going to practice living on a tight budget, save money, pay off bills we've accumulated just like we have been but we're not proceeding with the adoption.

Again, I have no idea how long this is going to be. I do know we are doing the right thing. I'm excited to see God work in our hearts and in ways around us. He's bigger than us and really loves showing off and I'm excited that we're a part of it.

But I do ask that you pray for the children in Ethiopia. This cut in adoption doesn't mean there are less children. And that has made me look outside myself more in these few weeks and not pray for our children but for His children.

The Yo-Yo Effect

So this is it. We aren't going to spared are we? We too have to go through ups and downs of adoption. It's not smooth sailing. It's not easy. It's not cheap. It's not predictable.

I don't know why I would've thought any differently. Maybe because I've been on such an emotional roller coaster these past few months that I thought I was safe from something outside of myself affecting our adoption.

We read an article on Saturday evening that said Ethiopia is tightening up adoptions by 90%. They say it's to make sure children are not being stolen and sold. They say it's for the children. It happened in Guatemala. People were stealing babies and selling them because there was such a demand for babies and Guatemala was cheap and fast. So they shut it down there. Now it seems they will be doing the same in Ethiopia. They say they don't know how long. We haven't heard anything from our agency officially. Wouldn't it be great if it was a fluke? If it only lasted a month?

I have a really bad habit of over thinking everything. I'm pretty sure that's all part of the curse. In the last 48 hours I have questioned so much.

Is the reason why I am having such a hard time filling out paperwork because this isn't what we're supposed to do? Where is that fine line of wanting to just be parents and helping in the bigger picture of adopting those who are fatherless? Is there a safer way? Should we just go and try fertility treatments? Can I handle all of this and still be able to work effectively in my job? Maybe I should just throw in the towel.

But I know that it is not my job to question. It's not my job to wonder. It's not my job to doubt. It is my job to obey and seek first the kingdom of God. Cause Jesus says that tomorrow will take care of itself. But right now, I'm just gonna sit up in my Father's lap and cry a little cause I'm scared.

An Update

I wish I had cool news that gave you chills when you read this post but alas, I do not.

We are slowly going through the sea of paperwork from the agency. I get a bit overwhelmed but Martin says if we work on two pages a night we won't get overwhelmed. Martin's gets home late some nights so we're not working every night. We have to make an appointment with the Pediatrician. He has offered to go over our medical list. We have to say whether we will consider or not consider certain defects concerning our children. I'm very thankful for this doctor who has offered his services for free. And he is an unemotional person that can explain things to us and help us be realistic. He has also adopted internationally and we don't have to find a pediatrician - one less thing on our list!

It looks like after we get all of our paperwork finished for the agency and pay their $3,000 fee we will call the social worker and start the home study. We're guessing the home study fee will be around $1,500. During the home study we will start applying for grants and also apply for help from Lifesong for Orphans. Because we're asking for a sibling group we will be qualified for more grants than some BUT that means more paperwork.

So there's the update. I know there is an end to all of this and it will be worth it. I wish I could say that I smile every moment I fill out my name, address, and so on but it's not always like that. But then again. That's life right? And we keep on going, knowing that we are a part of a bigger plan.