Resting

Found out that the mother of the baby we asked for prayer for in the previous post wants to keep the baby. And the weirdest thing is, I'm okay with that. My heart is still. I have no anxiety. I am not sad or relieved or anything. Funny how emotions can drive you one month and then the next they take a back seat to reality. I guess Jeremiah wasn't kidding when he called our hearts deceitfully wicked.

So what now? It's funny. I was thinking yesterday how January through March I was a mess. I was crying over adoption papers. Crying over my job. Crying over my church. Crying over e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. [Martin accrued many crowns to lay at our sweet Savior's feet this first quarter of 2011].

And the thing is, nothing has changed much. My job is going a bit better. We've decided to stop the adoption process for now. I've decided to go back to school and feed my new love of computers. But you would think that would make me more crazy. But it hasn't. And frankly, I'm not going to try to figure it out. I learned much. I mean MUCH through January, February, and March but nothing profound that I can put my finger on.

Something occurred to me. God doesn't have to teach me anything. He doesn't have to do anything. I get so caught up on Him revolving around ME, I forget it's the other way around. Oh, so you want to throw a "maybe baby" our way? Okay! Why? Who knows. But I don't have to know. He doesn't owe me anything. Yet, I owe him everything. I'm going to enjoy this time of rest (in my heart at least).

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Far surpassing all the rest

It's an ocean full of blessing

In the midst of every test

Oh the deep, deep love of Jesus

Mighty Savior, precious Friend

You will bring us home to glory

Where Your love will never end

Pray With Us?

Oh that God, He's a funny One. A few days after Martin and I saw a very clear stop sign from God when it came to adopting in Ethiopia, we were thrown a curve ball.

A woman at work approached me last Tuesday and asked if we would be interested in adopting a baby of a family member. It's a complicated situation and honestly, the probability of us actually being able to go through with this is slim (in human terms), we told her yes, we were interested.

The great thing is we were able to tell our family and small group about it and there are so many people praying for us, the family, and this little girl who is due to pop in this world in a little more than two months! I have my moments of panic. We need to do our home study. Should I call an adoption lawyer now? What about my job? But I quickly recover and know this is so out of my hands that those are just tiny details. Today, I am okay if we aren't considered to be parents to this girl and if anything I can pray for her as she grows, wherever she is. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. But today, as in all days, I know God is allowing this and only has our good in mind and ultimately His glory.

So we wait and rest in our God, who is ever faithful and constant.

Stopping.

After much prayer Martin and I have decided to stop our adoption process for the moment. I have no idea how long but we both know this is what we are supposed to do. We are still going to practice living on a tight budget, save money, pay off bills we've accumulated just like we have been but we're not proceeding with the adoption.

Again, I have no idea how long this is going to be. I do know we are doing the right thing. I'm excited to see God work in our hearts and in ways around us. He's bigger than us and really loves showing off and I'm excited that we're a part of it.

But I do ask that you pray for the children in Ethiopia. This cut in adoption doesn't mean there are less children. And that has made me look outside myself more in these few weeks and not pray for our children but for His children.

The Yo-Yo Effect

So this is it. We aren't going to spared are we? We too have to go through ups and downs of adoption. It's not smooth sailing. It's not easy. It's not cheap. It's not predictable.

I don't know why I would've thought any differently. Maybe because I've been on such an emotional roller coaster these past few months that I thought I was safe from something outside of myself affecting our adoption.

We read an article on Saturday evening that said Ethiopia is tightening up adoptions by 90%. They say it's to make sure children are not being stolen and sold. They say it's for the children. It happened in Guatemala. People were stealing babies and selling them because there was such a demand for babies and Guatemala was cheap and fast. So they shut it down there. Now it seems they will be doing the same in Ethiopia. They say they don't know how long. We haven't heard anything from our agency officially. Wouldn't it be great if it was a fluke? If it only lasted a month?

I have a really bad habit of over thinking everything. I'm pretty sure that's all part of the curse. In the last 48 hours I have questioned so much.

Is the reason why I am having such a hard time filling out paperwork because this isn't what we're supposed to do? Where is that fine line of wanting to just be parents and helping in the bigger picture of adopting those who are fatherless? Is there a safer way? Should we just go and try fertility treatments? Can I handle all of this and still be able to work effectively in my job? Maybe I should just throw in the towel.

But I know that it is not my job to question. It's not my job to wonder. It's not my job to doubt. It is my job to obey and seek first the kingdom of God. Cause Jesus says that tomorrow will take care of itself. But right now, I'm just gonna sit up in my Father's lap and cry a little cause I'm scared.

An Update

I wish I had cool news that gave you chills when you read this post but alas, I do not.

We are slowly going through the sea of paperwork from the agency. I get a bit overwhelmed but Martin says if we work on two pages a night we won't get overwhelmed. Martin's gets home late some nights so we're not working every night. We have to make an appointment with the Pediatrician. He has offered to go over our medical list. We have to say whether we will consider or not consider certain defects concerning our children. I'm very thankful for this doctor who has offered his services for free. And he is an unemotional person that can explain things to us and help us be realistic. He has also adopted internationally and we don't have to find a pediatrician - one less thing on our list!

It looks like after we get all of our paperwork finished for the agency and pay their $3,000 fee we will call the social worker and start the home study. We're guessing the home study fee will be around $1,500. During the home study we will start applying for grants and also apply for help from Lifesong for Orphans. Because we're asking for a sibling group we will be qualified for more grants than some BUT that means more paperwork.

So there's the update. I know there is an end to all of this and it will be worth it. I wish I could say that I smile every moment I fill out my name, address, and so on but it's not always like that. But then again. That's life right? And we keep on going, knowing that we are a part of a bigger plan.

Application Sent:::Application Accepted

Well, I believe we can officially say that we are in the process of adoption! We are no longer thinking about it we are IN it!

It's a great feeling. A few weeks ago we spent some time filling out the paperwork and praying over it our packet. God provided us with the application fee ($300) and we sent it off.

Last night we got a UPS envelope at our door with a DVD, notebook, paperwork and a bill for $3,000. The bill is for the agency fee. We are going to be paying that and filling out the new paperwork (I knew the three page application was too good to be true!) the first of the year then I believe it's time for the home study! That's the funny thing about using small agencies, you guess a lot.

Why Africa?

Our choice in where we are adopting from was surprising to most. I thought I'd give a little background into the how and the why we chose Africa.

I need to say that I like being weird (and by that I mean different) on my terms. I like to stand out if it's something I can control. And adopting, especially outside your race is weird to some. A middle-class white couple adopting from Africa is not normal to many. I have learned though that Jesus broke down the walls of race. He brought Jews (God's chosen) and Gentiles (everybody else) together through dying on a big ugly cross. We have tried to put those walls up again, adding more walls to more races. And I'm pretty sure just like my nephew Gavin loves knocking down things he builds, God loves knocking down walls we put up.

When we were choosing a country we thought somewhere in Asia was where we would focus. We thought it would be easier for our families to adjust. But I guess that was just me trying to control my weirdness. Months ago, I was talking to my friend Kami and I was saying that I was feeling a pull towards Africa. Martin really wasn't into it when I had mentioned it to him and if I may just jump on my soapbox for a moment - please don't manipulate your husbands - especially when it comes to children. We're not talking about a new outfit (although it's not right to manipulate with that either but roll with me here). We're talking about a life. :::Off soapbox and moving on::: I told Kami that I didn't want to walk down the road to Africa. But she said something that I didn't want to hear. She said, Well, maybe God wants to not only teach you but others through the adoption of your children. I knew he would teach others along with us about adoption but to teach about breaking down racial walls was something I wanted to do on my terms.

I have been praying about it since that summer day in her media room. I haven't been praying the prayers of Hannah, where I was making deals with God in exchange for children. No, I was just praying that God would speak to Martin and I and show us who our children should be and where they should come from. And that he would show off. I just love it when God shows off. Life is so much better that way.

When we went to the adoption seminar in Hershey, the theme throughout the conference that Martin and I kept hearing was walk out on faith. We were also shown the need for adoption in Africa. It is so vast. And this is how God changed a southern girl and her northern husband's hearts. It wasn't some big sign in the sky. We didn't have someone walk up to us and tell us they had a message from God. It was a simple theme at a conference and the reminder it's not about us controlling our weirdness, it's all about God showing off.

And we're really okay with that.