Gulp.

So yeah. Here's that adoption blog that I started a few years ago and purposed in my heart to write and be faithful and tell of God's faithfulness in our journey to a weird, nontraditional parenthood.

Here it is, 2014 and I've been around the world and back (if you count living in NYC for a year and a half "around the world"). We sold half of our possessions and stopped the adoption process because of a job transfer. We then lived an amazing 18 months in a city and area like no other. We then left it all, including the corporate ladder that we were climbing, to come back to the place we thought wasn't for us. We came back trying not to look back at what we left.

We came back changed. We felt confirmation that we were to be parents. God allowed two amazing jobs to open up for Martin and I and we didn't walk back, we RAN. We JUMPED. We spent all our MONEY. And something happened in the midst of all of this. We decided to pursue foster care. Jesus, take the wheel! We are beside ourselves scared. Like pee in our pants scared. I've always told people that we were called to adoption and international adoption at that. But God revealed to Martin and I that we were called to follow him. It didn't matter what that looked like as long as we were in obedience to him. We desire children. But why international? Yes there is a HUGE need. Millions of children are living in institutions that need parents. But for us, (and listen this is me being ugly and transparent) we were in control of international adoption. We would go over and get our baby or child. We were bringing them back here to the US and there wasn't anybody who would take them away. There would be no grandma who felt like their blood needed to be kept in the family and take our baby away. There would be no judge who thought that their uncle who worked 70 hours a week would be better for this child than us. We would get a child and they would be ours. We'd have to pay up to $30,000 for that child but it would be ours. And although I knew in my heart that this wasn't reality, it was my god that I was clinging to. Security in our American lives is a human right so we think. But it's not. Security is only a mirage. And as Martin and I talked about it, we felt foster to adopt was the way we would go. And people think we're crazy. But guess what? We are. Um, hello! We sold half our possessions and spent all of our savings to move two hours north to a different world for 18 months only to move back to the same place we were. That my friends is crazy.

And crazy is how I prefer to live. Crazy is how I learn. God knows that and he obviously takes joy in that. And as we are going through this journey of fostering, and I'm hearing the foster child horror stories that people love to give , I just smile and say, "Since when did God call us to easy?" We build these padded walls around our hearts and our bank accounts and our family. And we say, "Okay God! I'm ready to serve you!"

We forget that this is all his story, not ours. We're just minor characters in an Awesome God's play. He and his Son and Spirit are the leads. How can we think we are any more significant? Yet on the other side of the coin, how can we imagine that a God so big, wants anything to do with us? Yet he does. He is our biggest supporter. Our biggest encourager. Our biggest advocate. It always comes back to him doesn't it? Shouldn't it?

I'm getting back into this writing thing. I've worn a different hat the last couple of years that didn't really have room for my writing brain. Now, I've worked, learned, and am ready to type my fingers on this keyboard and blog. More on our foster process soon. I've got to go now because our social worker told me a living room full of boxes won't pass a home inspection.

An Embarassingly Late Update

Well, it's been months hasn't it?

I've taken a bit of a break from blogging.  Since we were notified of our move, I've avoided my blog world.  It's weird because I feel like writing is my therapy but with life so upside down and turned around, my words are jumbled up inside of me and I have little hope that putting them out there will do any good. 

We got our final homestudy for our adoption back in May.  We went to Scotland halfway through May for our tenth wedding anniversary and when we returned home, I found out my job had found a replacement for me.  I trained her the next week then went down to the customer service center where I am working until we leave.  I know this transition is a gift.  My job with the online school was very stressful and moving down to customer service is like a vacation.  It's six girls in a room opening mail and scanning checks into the computer; taking orders over the phone and chatting about boyfriends, husbands, food, fashion, Downton Abbey and things of God.  All while getting paid my salary as an online school administrator.  That friends, is mercy in the midst of change. 

Martin will be moving into a corporate rental in the next few weeks.  He can live there for 60 days then we have to move.  During those 60 days we have to sell half our furniture, find a renter, find an apartment to rent, finish tiling and installing new toilets and vanities in the bathroom and move.  Thankfully we found out our moving company will be coming in and packing our things for us, moving them and unpacking everything.  What a blessing!

What about adoption?  Since we're moving before we turned in our paperwork to Ethiopia, we have to have the homestudy revised when we settle in the apartment.  Moving from a four bedroom house to a two bedroom apartment means we can't ask for a sibling group of more than two.  Martin and I decided to not make any new decisions until we get settled. 

I'm turning 35 in a few weeks.  I know it's silly but I had these goals in place.  When I got married at 25 we were on the five year plan with kids.  When 30 came and went I knew we would have to look at other options.  I made 35 my new goal for children.  I didn't really share it with anyone.  I believe goals are important in life but I also have to remind myself that my goals are not promises from God. I know this is not my life.  I was bought with a price.  I am not here for me.  I am here for my Maker.  All I've really wanted to be was a wife and mom.  God has given me a great privilege to be a wife to an amazing man.  I am so blessed.  And if he blesses us with children may I be as thankful.  But if not, may I always be satisfied in my Savior. 

I saw this last week,

Dear God, 

I tried my best, but if today

I lose my hope

please tell me that your plans 

are better than my dreams.  

Guess What?

Guess what? We're still waiting on our homestudy. We're supposed to get it this week. I'm totally okay with it. Saw a great quote on the ol' Twitter by Tozer (no, not FROM Tozer, he's in Glory) that BooMama (a.k.a. Sophie) put up.

God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which he must work. Only to know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves.

Mmmm. Good stuff.

H to the ome to the S to the tudy Update

I emailed our social worker last week. I sent in Martin's physical and I wanted to make sure she had received it (a.k.a. HOW MUCH LONGER DO WE HAVE TO WAIT?) and she said she is finalizing everything and will send our homestudy to us to look over soon. If we approve it, she'll release the hard copy.

Oh good news, how I love getting you.

Yesterday we were singing in church. They are really in to making sure the service flows well. They do announcements first (usually on video by a couple in the church) then scripture reading, music, followed by preaching, praying and the service closes with more music. I work well with flow. Anyway, we're singing the last song yesterday and it was Mighty to Save in a way I've never heard it before. Singing something I know in a different way always makes me focus on the words. So they are singing "He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save. . . " and God just said to me, "Why do you doubt all I do? See? I can move mountains. I rose and conquered the grave. Do you think your tiny situations are anything for me? You need to shut up [yes, God said shut up] and trust me." I know all these things but to actually have a confirmation, a kick in the pants if you will, was just what I needed. It was cool to talk to Martin on the way home and for him to say he was being told the same thing.

None of this is about me or Martin or having children or getting them from a particular place. It's all for Him. All for His glory. All for His fame. Would my life be easier if I threw in the towel and we lived happily ever after without kids? Maybe. I've thought about that a lot lately, trust me. But I remember after Martin's accident years ago and I was at Wal-Mart and saw someone from church. They were telling me how sorry they were that all of this happened to us. And I remember saying, "I am so thankful all of this happened. It's been hard and terrible and I've failed a million times in this trial but I wouldn't change it for the world." And she looked at me like I was crazy. Because I am. But it's in the trials that God is able to show off. Not many will be able to see it and I fail time and time again in those trials but guess what comes out of trials? Gold people. Pure gold.

It's gonna be worth it - not having the kids, but going through all of this. For His fame.

2012

Reality is setting in for this girl. The reality that waiting is like hearing a slow drip somewhere in your walls that you can't do anything about unless you tear open your walls and start searching. Sometimes it's just better to wait and see if you see a sign of where the problem is. But it doesn't mean you don't go crazy waiting!

I know that this part of waiting (homestudy) is NOTHING compared to the wait after we've met our kids and before we pick them up for home.

In the last few weeks, I've been thinking and praying about if this is what we're supposed to do. Not adoption. I feel confident in that. But how and where we're adopting.

Doubt is a funny thing. It can consume you or you can take hold of it, take it to the Father and he can either reassure you of something or change your way completely. So that's what I'm doing. As a woman, I feel I have to do this more so than Martin. It's not that he isn't part of the process, it just that I probably think about a million times more on something than he does. Oh to be a man sometimes *sigh*

One friend told me last week that adoption is WAY harder than being pregnant. She has done both and I should trust her but I like to think that my mood swings and emotional eating would be far worse if I had a human living and growing inside of me. Then there's the c-section horror stories (I'm talking to you Jayme and April G!). I'm just going to think that this is the better route for me. Of course God never promised anything easy, just that I won't be alone.

Happy New Year.

Still Waiting

We're still waiting on our homestudy to be finished. Which means we're just hanging out, enjoying Christmas and trusting that God is allowing it for whatever reason he wants.

Merry Christmas if I don't blog on here until then!

Words of Another

I've had quite the comments this week from different people about our adoption process. Some good. Some not so good. I read a girl's blog post yesterday. I agree with about 90% (of what I know so far). Cried through the whole thing. It was like fresh water on a dry soul.

The part I don't agree with? Where she says that adopted children weren't preordained before the beginning of time to be our children. Yes, they were. God didn't look at the sin Adam committed and rush around to go to "plan b" he knew that fruit would be taken and eaten. He knew death would happen. He knew we would all be born deserving to die. Yet, for his glory (something none of us can comprehend) he allowed it anyway. All to show a beautiful story of redemption from a God who loves himself so much. And because he loves himself, he loves us and gave us a way to him through Jesus. So yeah, these children were designed to be mine. Adam didn't mess up the fact that my kid's birth parents aren't going to be able to care for them. It's a hard pill to swallow and makes the gospel and God even more scandalous in our tiny little pee brains. But thanks be to God for his salvation and his Helper to bring things to light cause if it wasn't for that, it looks like we believe in something crazy (and to the world, we do).

You can read it here.